Trying.

Hello again.  Here I am trying to restart.  I don’t know why I am not posting anymore.  I’m certainly not out of words.  I have dozens of hand scribbled journals to prove otherwise.  I suppose I just feel I am repeating the same things over and over.  I like to think I that even though the topics are repeating, I am spiraling up and not just spinning flat. 

Over the past three years, I should have accomplished more creatively.  I have no excuse. 

The real reason for not moving forward is fear.  Fear of failure. Fear of ridicule. Fear of success.  Fear of an empty well.  Fear of plowing headlong into the bottom of a shallow pool.  Fear of one and done.  Fear of insanity.  Fear of grief. 

What do I think I should have already done? I should have an outline or first draft of a book or three.  I should have prints of my photography ready to sell.  I should have a full book of anecdotes and associated photos compiled.  Should have. Could have. Would have. Except for fear. 

Funny thing. It isn’t the idea of strangers seeing my words and images.  It is the idea of people I know seeing them.  The acquaintances and associates who are not part of my inner circle, my tribe, my posse.  I have a very small ring of people who have seen my heart in person and not only through Raining Orchids.  It’s an odd feeling to speak to someone I really don’t know well and have them know me from this space.  It adds to the fear.  Fear of exposure.  Of overexposure.  Of being misunderstood. 

In an effort to move forward on other projects, I hope to regain my composure and meet myself here on the page every week.  Say a little prayer I will honor my heart and overcome fear. 

Forty Years

January 2023 marks 40 years of life with Rock.  We met as high school students when he moved into the neighborhood.  The first time I saw him I thought “Wow! He’s gorgeous!” and immediately sighed inside thinking I had no chance with him.  But, for some reason, he liked what he saw in me.  I was a train wreck, though I didn’t know it.  I battled depression and anxiety and terribly low self-esteem.  He was raised to believe he could have whatever he wanted if he was willing to fight hard enough for it. I still praise the Lord he decided I was worth fighting for. 

His battle was against me not believing I could be loved enough, not believing I could be wanted. I need to be very clear on this point.  Nothing Mother or Daddy did caused my problems.  There were other elements in my life that contributed to my problems.  Rock only cared about loving me. 

And for 40 years he has done just that.  He has fought to keep our life on track and our children safe.  He fought to drag me out of the depths of grief and sadness while dealing with his own grief over the years. He raised our children to believe they too could have whatever they wanted if they were willing to fight for it. 

We live an adventure even now.  Between the children, the granddaughters, the longhorns, church, hunting, fishing, living in the Big Thicket, river life and lake life, we always have something going on.  We are still crazy about each other and he has helped me become someone I couldn’t have been without him.

I liken him to an ancient warrior.  His ancestry points to Scotland and I am reminded that even the Empire of Rome could not overtake his grandfathers.  I see that strength in him.  He is tough and strong and yes, he can be difficult. I love the difficult just as much as I do the tender and gentle parts of him. I tried to explain to someone one time that truly loving someone is to love the dark as much as the light parts of them.  To not only accept and tolerate, but to embrace the hard to handle parts, too.  

Contrary to popular belief, he has a tender heart that loves larger than life.  He adores his children and granddaughters.  He stays on alert for any sign of distress among our tiny family circle.  Anyone who causes even a little stress among us is forever excluded from his trust.  He keeps a small, tight circle around us. 

I praise Jesus for our life together.  Rock’s faith in Christ, his tenacity in life, his passion and strength keep me grounded and safe.  I never want to take for granted the love we share.  I am ever grateful for his choosing to love me.  I pray he knows how much I love him. We will celebrate our 38^th wedding anniversary in June, but I am celebrating our 40^th year of being in love. I love you, Rock.